unflinchingly honest.

i am in a funk.

a blog funk, a scheduling funk, a serious lack of money funk, a clothing funk, a weight funk, a dirty bedroom funk, a hair funk, a life funk, a funk funk.
{despite my good hair day today. seriously, looks good.}

i'm not one to dwell on the negative.

i never have been.

i stew a little and then as quickly as the negative nancy began -- the sunshiney me returns.

but not lately.

and that kills me.

there have been times i stew for ridiculous periods of time.
and then keep moping.

i don't know how to fix it.
{and the funniest part is as soon as i am at home, by myself, in my sweats...i feel less stewy. less icky.}

honestly, there are times i barely know the person i am now.

i look in the mirror and see someone i know but only to a degree.

but not the same old me.

and some of that is okay.

learning and growing changes a person, heck, life changes a person.

but some of it is just weird and awkward to me.
but sometimes i see lots of old me--and ache for her to be all of me again.

honestly, grown up life sucks.

i know i've said it before -- but i really mean it.

being a grown up is killing my soul.

401(k)s, bills, checking accounts, credit checks, medical bills, salaries (or lack thereof) ... all things i hate dealing with that grown ups are forced to deal with.

bah. i'll even add a humbug to that.

bah frickin humbug.

honestly, i worry a lot about money.

all. the. time.

it may not seem like that ... but it's because i plan.

i plan alllllll of it. i hate calling it budgeting -- because mine's not quite as rigid. but, essentially, it is the same thing.

honestly, though, i make barely more now than i did DURING COLLEGE.

now, i know this is my first job {and supposed to be my passion} but still.

it seems like such low pay for a job that requires so much.

honestly, i've gained so much weight since i started this job.

i know some of it is the fact that i'm not hiking my sorry rear end up the RB stairs multiple times a day.

but some of it is that i've begun to be a stress eater.

and part of me thinks it's my thyroid. because i haven't been eating any more than i have before and somehow my weight fluctuates a lot. and i'm tired. and i bruise. and i ache.

i've never been the tiniest girl (i was blessed to be "really well endowed" in the.. ahem.. region. seriously. whoa girls. they alone won't let me be tiny.) but i was never "big".

i'm still not. 

but i'm bigger than i used to be/want to be.
i just need to find a regimen that sticks. one i like. and one i that will help.

i will take suggestions.

{a serious part is how mentally/physically/emotionally exhausted i am when i get off work. i know, excuses, excuses.}

honestly, i would love to be as honest as liz, kristen, gabby, lilu, and mayra (and many more -- i.e. most of YOU) are on their blogs.

but even more honestly...i'm scared to be. i hate the backlash.

i hate when people use what i put here against me. in a horrible way.

i do't want to open myself up to just get hurt. 

now, i understand this is a public space (kinda) and that when i place something on here, i do open it up to a certain amount of scrutiny and potential harm.

but guess what? it's MY spot. MY blog.

if you don't like what i write DON'T READ IT.

if you don't like ME ... DON'T READ IT!

don't assume this is all about you, or about someone you know, or about your best friend's former boyfriend's cat trainer's cousin and then try to create drama for me.

it's not worth it. 

not worth it for me. for you. for anyone involved. so let's play nice.

honestly -- if you're nice to me, i'm going to be nice to you.

so even more honestly...i think i'm goin to stop caring.

if you're creating drama for me you don't know me or deserve me.

so get to steppin.

honestly my boyfriend, man friend, hot dude that snuggles with me...is awesome.

one day, i'll introduce you.

but honestly, i've been hurt so many times before -- and with him, i don't worry about that.

the thought of not having him around kills me.

which i think is a good thing. because it means i'm beginning to trust again.

and there's no one better to trust.

and he makes my life happy. he is one of my happiest thoughts. 

honestly, reading your blogs have made me so happy these last couple days/weeks.

i love you all.

i know it sounds corny and cliche and trite -- but they make me so happy, and make me laugh, and make me excited that we are friends.

not blog friends, but REAL friends.

i hope you feel that way about me, too. we are real friends. i love you.

HONESTLY.

{that's a lot of honesty.}

have a happy friday. 

the happiest. 

i know i'm gonna try my darndest to.

{it helps that i'm wearing a hott dress to a funnnnn party!!}

xoxo.