Caution, Dave: Kinda girly post.

One of my most recent bloggy friends, The Oh So Fabulous Miss Elizabeth Marie over at It's Unbeweavable, (I'm addicted to her blog) had this FABULOUS giveaway.

AND I WON.
I rarely win anything.
(I can't say never, but rarely is accurate).
Oh yes.

Listen to how Liz describes this amazing hair serum:
"Moroccan Oil has changed my hair, and thus, my life, and I'm not exaggerating. It is like the nectar of the gods or something. Again, turned on by my amazing stylist, Moroccan Oil smoothes and protects before any heat styling. It makes your hair SO SOFT and shiny you will want to pet it all day. :) Seriously you guys...UNBEWEAVABLE!"

Uh, yes please.
I'm really excited.

these walls that you put up to hold us back fell down

photo courtesy gabby she wrote.

i had a visitor tonight.
one i thought i'd lost, finally.
and while he seems to have been on sabbatical...he creeped back through my door tonight.

he tapped me on the shoulder.
"hello, old friend," he leers as he climbs into bed with me.

"you, my friend, have been waiting for me."

i sigh. it's not true. well, mostly not.

"i was here last night. you just didn't see me."

worry and i are old 'friends'.
i'd banished him for so so long.
but he decided now was a good time to visit.

see...things have been stressful this week.
and i have been thinking about my future, about the way i hope some things may play out, and where my life is going.
(i'm a control freak. i like to keep things going forward.)

but you know what, i bested him once...i can do it again.
it might not be easy.
and it might come with my fair share of uncertainty.
but it will come.

senor, you are not welcome here.
i am happy (usually).
and i want to remain that way.
and refuse to let my fears overcome me or to let them become realities.
i will survive.

Damaged people are dangerous.
They know they can survive.

— Josephine Har

and while i may not be completely damaged ... i still know i can survive.

everything will be okay.

Heceta Head Revisited...

I know, I've been neglecting my blog. Tsk, tsk on me.
And it really is a pity because I've had actual cool things happen as of late.
I've successfully seen the ocean every weekend of the month of April. =]
My mom and my sister visited... and then my Lyndsi Shae came.
Both were SPECTACULAR visits, and both were way way too short.

My mom, Mikaela and I all went to the beach one day...it was chilly and windy but it was glorious. We managed to go to the Sea Lion Caves which were SO interesting, but were 9000000000 times positively the most putrid smell I've ever smelled. It smelled like literal (sea lion) butt.

That Sunday after a day of church (Single's wards are always interesting for family) we decided to take a spur of the moment trip up to Portland to walk around the temple grounds. It was SO beautiful. I love the flowers, I love the reflection pool, and I love the warm fuzzy feeling i get while I'm there. Sigh....

After my momma left (sad day) my Lyndsi Shae came. And we, again, went to the ocean. She is the tan soul to my pasty pasty white self. We climbed a tree--but it was too weathered to get very far up (unless you're John, he got pretty much the whole way up...three times)--and took some pictures. Then we put our feet in the river that's feeding into the ocean. I LOVE this beach. I was so grateful that two of my worlds finally converged. That people who are terribly important to me got to meet each other. =] She and I had multiple late nights laughing, writing, giggling, reading and journin' that were just what my heart needed. We had so much fun (at least, I did) while she was here and I miss her already, but we are the best of friends no matter how far apart we are.

I love this girl. I love the beach. I love my friends.
And I love my life.

The Siovhan Show's Frequent Flyers: My Girls and The Boltons

Disclaimer: These are in NO way all the people...or even nearly a smidge of the people I love, adore and care about.

I just thought I'd give you a highlights version of people I talk about so you can match names with a visual. Plus I've been playing around with Picnik all weekend...and I love it.
**I didn't include my roommate Mel, because she hates pictures. **

This is Brandi. These are her babies. I adore them. Brandi is often the major thing to help me keep my sanity at work. She is an inspiration to me on so many levels and I'm so grateful she's in my life both professionally and personally. She's one of those people that quickly became more like family than just friends. And the girls?! I would do anything for them. Anything.

These two are Taron and Libby. Libby is one of my bffs--and I set her up with Taron. (I have impeccable setting up skills--all of the people I set up get married, with ONE exception.) They make me laugh all the time. They are the best of friends and I love how wonderful and funny and comfortable they are with each other. I love the time I get to spend with them.

This is Sarah. She's my Eug-BFF. She was a LITERAL God-send. I prayed for MONTHS to have someone to befriend and someone who would understand me, love me and help me because I was so so so very lonely here in Eugene. The Lord sent Sarah. The means by which we came friends was fast and it was awesome. We became so very close in such relatively little time we've known each other. I am grateful every day for this wonderful lady.

This is Megan. She's a HUGE facet of my life, even now. Most of my stories begin "One time Megan and I..." or "Megan always used to..." or "Megan HATES when I eat on the floor!!" Megan was a strength to me when I couldn't find my own. She is such a funny, vibrant woman and I'm so glad I am blessed to have her in my life in such a capacity. I am grateful for her example, her love, her humor and her tenacity for life. Plus we share an overwhelming love of plaid--that bonds people together.

This is my Andrea. She IS my crazy side. Andrea was my shorty--in every funny manner of the word. Diminutive in size...but never in spirit. I love her for everything she's taught me, done for me, helped me to learn and to see, and for her unfailing example of what we should all try to be in life: fun, Christlike, and happy. And she and her husband? ADORABLE. I miss spending time with this girl.

This is my Dani-girl. No matter how much time passes, no matter what's happened or where we are--we pick up right where we left off. She knows my secrets, my fears and craziness (and still likes me!!). She's been my bff for years now--and I just love her. We have thousands upon thousands of memories together, and some of my favorite adventures. From being coworkers to political aspirations, to late night trips to Manhattan, to Denver to watch some good football, to getting lost in Salt Lake shopping--we've done it all. I miss having her right around the corner when I need her.

This is my lovie. My Lyndsi Shae. This girl is my revolution hero, and someone I admire more than I probably have ever said out loud. You can find pieces of this girl here. I highly recommend it. I don't really know what or how to say things about Lyndsi Shae. I love her. I'm grateful for her influence in my life, and her patience with my slow learning curve. I'm awestruck by the immense amounts of talent inside this vivacious woman. I long to live life the way she does. She once visited all the places she lived in Provo to remember how they felt. I LOVE that. I wish I could be that open. She is my inspiration because when you're free and honest and healing--you can be honest with others. [she's a big part of why the blog once again became public] And if you hurt her--I'll bust your knee caps. And I'm serious about that.

These are my parents. Now, this picture may not seem like much, but it makes me laugh SO much every time I look at it. They are, and always will be, the rock solid people in my life. Nothing can shake these two. They are the most Christlike people I know and have always taught us the gospel by living it. They do everything for us and are so caring. I love them with all my heart and feel so incredibly blessed to have such fantastic parents, such great examples. I hope to one day measure up to the people they are.

These are my inspiration. My wonderful siblings who I love more than life itself. They are the bright spots in my day. To Braden asking me endless questions about BYU, to Ben texting me Office quotes, to Mikaela passive-agressively telling me goodnight and not to text her because she needs her sleep. It is a wonderful feeling to know that, no matter what, I am loved. No matter how far away from home I may be, there is someone (or three someones) always praying for me and hoping my life is going well. I love them. I'm so excited for their futures and the great things that lie ahead for my little brothers and baby sister.

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

Date & Time: 12:35 am.
Soundage: beautiful disaster--jon mclaughlin
(AMAZING. go listen to it. now.)
Action: red sox world series shirt...red shorts...bare feet
Reaction: contentment.

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for getting older
You better know that in the end its better to say to much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

moments i love. things i feel like remembering.

bare feet. orange toenails. rolled up pants. diet coke. football. = ♥


this is my summer face. little makeup, hair tossed up, t-shirt on, laying on a blanket on the green green grass. this was at a lacrosse game. a best friend moment. a moment of complete contentment with my life. everything was great. the weather, the friends, the fun, the timing. i love this. my soul is in this picture. happiness, greenery, summer moments of relaxation and just sheer fun. one of those times when your soul returns to being five years old and life, in its utter simplicity, is grand. and you know it. and you live it. and you let it engulf you.


new years eve was my first night out of the hospital over break...this is me with my "little" brothers (it's weird to be shorter than them). and even if i look like i am still ill, am makeup-less, and wearing man clothing... i love this picture.


me and my baby sister (my only sister) christmas morning. look at how happy i am to be opening up socks...or a scarf. even at 7 am. i love my new england house. and that little girl is my heart.


puddle jumping in summer rain, no matter how wet you get, is one of the most enjoyable experiences ever.


i love this picture. and for the life of me i can't quite figure out exactly why. but it explains a lot about who she and i are. dark hair, light hair, black, white, tall, short...we are so opposite but honestly so similar. regardless of the time spent apart or the physical distance between us, for real: best friends forever.


she's also the more fashionable one. obviously. her pirating skills put mine to shame.


after a wonderful and humorous night of divine comedy, wendy's, the black kid, hip hop, and the continuation of our grand sleep over adventures. and for how pasty white i am, you'd never know it was the END of summer.


us and THE man. this is one of the most humorous (and slightly awkward) experiences of my life and it was COMPLETELY worth it.


i loved that haircut. one day...my hair will be that way again. (and i look a lot thinner than i feel today.)


basically this cake is just awesome.......and i love pirates.


this is one of my favorite moments of this summer. the outside nap at the cabin with the giant ant and some of my favorite girls. it was a wonderful day and i was so happy with my life.


i miss this street.

i miss this house.

i miss this view. this is my home. this is my heart. i don't know if i'll ever get over not having this many trees around. mountains are beautiful, but these trees are heavenly. oh man. this is how i'd pick to live forever if i could. enveloped by trees in the dusk of a wonderful summer day.


it's completely vain, but i love this picture. i was born to bleed cougar blue and this is one of my favorite pictures to explain my byu obsession. byu football is an integral part of my life and will remain so, most likely, 'til i die.

the past few days have brought about a lot of thinking. and today i was looking at a friend's pictures and realized all the things i want to do in life. i want to travel. i want to write. i want to see the world through other people's eyes. i want to eat exotic foods. i want to push myself to the limits. i want to experience the world. i want to be able to say at the end of the day that i lived that day all the way. that i wore my heart on my sleeve even if it meant i got hurt in the end. that i gave people a fighting chance. that i laughed til i couldn't breathe and then kept on laughing. that i befriended people. that i took that chance on someone who needed it. that i didn't fear or doubt myself or let those feelings stop me from doing anything, from becoming anything, from learning anything. that i finally believed in myself enough to do things FOR ME. not for other people. that i took the time to let myself be myself. that i cut myself some slack, and let myself relax and actually experienced life...and that i didn't just go through the motions. that i pushed myself a little bit harder to be that little bit better each day. that at the end of my life i could say (like the woman in The Guardian):

"If my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. It's hard for me to walk up them steps now, it's 'cause I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've laid under thousands of skies with sunny days. I've lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way through a pretty [darn] good life if you ask me. Getting old ain't bad Ben. Getting old, that's earned."

i'm gonna earn that.

She likes to leave you hanging on her word...

Date & Time: one fifty four ay ehm....and ten fifty six ay em....
Soundage: Devil Wears Prada
Action: Idaho Falls
Reaction: Diet Coke, Bird Earrings and Nail Polish
Dear Brett,
It's funny to me to try describe this...this feeling inside me. This asdkljasdkljasd inside me. I feel like I need to learn a whole new vocabulary...a more eloquent or articulate way of communicating...because the words I know (though many) are just not adequate enough. As I sit here thinking about how to tell you about how I feel for you John Mayer comes on the radio urging "Say what you need to say." I sit here and stare at these words of Emerson, wondering if in all his audacity and his eloquence--his articulation if he ever had to tell someone how deeply he cared about them and how he then did it. I'm no Emerson (surely) but nevertheless I care. Deeply. Simply. And I need to tell you.

This is the counsel I received last night from Elder Ballard (via the Ensign):

"Fear can make us run away from things—things like setting and achieving goals, developing relationships, or becoming the people we know we should become. Sometimes fear can even paralyze us to the point that we don’t even try."

...now if that isn't intervention...I don't know what is.
And it became even more evident this afternoon. Open up the Book of Mormon, flip around a few pages, read this in the margin: "Answers to prayer--> must act." Okay. I think I'm starting to get the point.

And I hate midterms. It'd be nice if they'd be over. Dumb Salt Lake Class. But my time on the way to Salt Lake--great distraction.

And my dad lectured me today (via email) for things that he thought I did that he either a) didn't understand, or b) didn't have the whole story or right details on. It made me kinda upset. I didn't deserve it, nor was it really merited. That sucks.

Now everyday is something more worth fighting for

Date & Time: 9:56 en el noche.
Soundage: so close--jon mclaughlin
Action: neverending amounts of reading
Reaction: future thoughts of all variations

Yesterday began kinda crap-tastic-ly. Not only did I feel like the fatness, I then proceeded to fly (not my choice) down a flight of cement stairs and onto a mountain of ice at the bottom. I have officially bruised my rear end somethin' fierce and have been sore ever since.

Then my show was not at all like I expected it was going to be. (It was not a good news day for our whole team.) Graphics didn't work the way they should have: Maddie was "partly sunny" the entire time, Brett's sports tease was also "partly sunny". I had a more difficult time finding the line between stepping on toes and being too aloof with my first class producer. Sports got cut off in a not very nice way and way earlier than Brett expected, and then the next break didn't work and we had to come back early. There was crap communication throughout the whole show. I vow to never let that happen again. It was crap-tastic.

I also fell asleep in my night class during the most interesting part of the whole lecture--the guest part. I was so upset with myself. I really didn't mean to fall asleep. I just never sleep enough and I'm up WICKED early on...everyday.

My "best friend" was being needy. And ended up being fairly mean to me for the rest of the entire night (even post the experience to follow). That sucked. And I'm done with it. No more Ms. Nice Chiquita. Yeah, I just went Spanish on y'all.

Then it was time for me to go to the basketball game. That was better. I was having fun and I was with someone I love spending time with. And it was just fun to be somewhere totally not my element and still have a lot of fun. Plus I made a cute little 5 year old friend (she was the coache's daughter). She taught me all about fairy godmothers and princesses. She was adorable. The game went well. I did a crap job interviewing players (it would have helped to know more than just "hey ya won" or "so you're undefeated" or "you're the point leader of the game...how do you feel about that?" duh...good, maybe?. ugh.).

But the best part of my night came in an unexpected manner from an unexpected source. (no, this is not some mushfest story about a boy...well, not in the "in love" kind of way.) As we waited for the winning team to finish up in the locker room we watched a group of little kids "play" basketball. In my surveying of the scene one little boy in particular stole my heart completely away. There stood this little boy no more than 5. His little brother was tossing the ball around and dribbling and he just stood there watching. His brother laid the basketball at his feet and ran off to chase a group of kids bent on making their own fun. You could see the elation that spread across this little boy's face as he looked at that ball. His (I'm assuming) mom bent down and picked up the ball and they both walked to the middle of the key and positioned themselves. Then his mom scrunched down, handed him the ball and grabbed his braces and held them as this little boy began so desperately to shoot the basketball and have a semblance of a normal childhood for this short span of time. His little disease infused body starkly contrasted the sheer ecstasy his face conveyed. This little boy, crutches and all has completely stolen my heart. The sheer miracle of his chance to play basketball and the joy it fed into his soul inspires me and melted my own jaded heart. I love this little boy and I don't even know who he is. I sat and watched him for the next ten-or-so minutes with my heart growing and softening minute by minute. So, to that little boy from the Provo/Orem area, I say thank you. Thank you for reminding this stressed out girl that life, simply, is wonderful. And that despite my worries about my future and about my abilities to care for people, I would be lucky to have a little boy just like you. Luckier than I would ever have known before. ♥