I've been doing a lot of thinking this week about what I want any guy I fall in love with, and the guy I marry to love me for. Reasons I love myself.

• I always have black feet because I'd much rather walk around everywhere barefoot. I'm pretty sure I'll have to wash my feet before I get into bed for the rest of my life--or invest in all dark colored sheets.
  
• Ironically, I have a shoe obsession. I have somewhere upward of 40 pair.
  
• I snort when I laugh--obviously something so incredibly attractive it ends up making every boy fall in love with me...not. But I do hope it's one quirk that ends up being endearing and not annoying.
  
• The passion I have for my job. There are very few things in life that I care about with the depth and breadth I do my work. It's the one thing that's always made sense to me to do and I can't even think of really doing anything else. Plus, it's gotta be kinda hott when a girl knows how to singlehandedly program an entire dubbing tower to record onto just about any media format. (I am so good at what I do, it's ridiculous, hahaha.)
  
• Not only do I snort when I laugh, I have a terribly loud laugh. Boisterous. And this creates for some seriously hilarious and awkward situations in public when I burst out with a "HA!"
  
• That I can't pull off your classic sexiness like other girls (like the girls on Mean Girls)...I'm just too cute and awkward to be able to even feign that.
  
• That I have a huge smile and it gets even bigger when I laugh or when I'm really amused (usually with myself).
  
• I am a compulsive back/head scratcher. Even with people I barely know, I find my hands wandering (in the non skeezy way). I love playing with boys hair. This usually makes me pretty popular amongst my friends. =]
  
• I have a serious Diet Coke addiction. Upon getting in my car this morning I realized I now have 8 empty cans of Diet Coke strewn amongst the contents of my car. A friend (who knows this fact all too well--especially after seeing my half empty CASE of DC in my fridge) was getting in too and remarked, "Ha. Really...do you drink anything else?"
  
• My love for good music, which really just means, for MY music. I have a very eclectic mix from Usher to Jimmy Eat World to Miley Cyrus to Rascal Flatts to Run DMC...
  
• I LOVE puddle jumping. Whether in my jeans or in shorts or pajamas. I LOVE it.
  
• As a child I had this crazy knack for singing the wrong lyrics to songs...Secret Agent Man became Secret Asian Man, and "Hold me closer tiny dancer" became "Hold me closer Tony Danza" ...and I maintain the tendency to sing them even now.
  
• My crazy sense of humor. "Look familiar my dears..." (if you want to understand that go to hulu.com and then to SNL and look for The Suze Orman Show. HILARIOUS!!!!)
  
• My need for a creative outlet in my life....as if I didn't have a creative enough major...but honestly, I'm always up to something crafty (with typical half done results). But even this week I bleached a design into a t-shirt and it looks RAD.
  
• I used to be a nerd...maybe more of a dork, actually. And that translates into my life VERY MUCH still.
  
• I tell myself I'm hott in the mirror before I leave almost every day.
• I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm easy to read for the most part.
  
• I am SASSY. I was blessed (and cursed) with a quick wit and a sass that very few possess...which also creates some fun situations in life.
  
• I both love AND hate to do laundry. I love doing laundry and I love clean clothes and the smell of them, but I hate newly washed jeans...and having to wear them in. Once you get them to feel like you want to again, they need to be washed like the next day.
  
• I always make faces. In all sorts of situations--pictures, dates, meetings, church meetings, friend moments. Always and forever.
  
• I'm a movie repeater, which drives Megan nuts. I can watch the same movie over and over again--sometimes immediately after I've watched it.
  
• I just ate a whole can of Chef Boyardee, which is already filthy in and of itself, but I ate it cold, and I prefer it that way. Same with Mac and Cheese, I like it when it's been cooked and then refrigerated and reheated. Hah. Ew.
  
• I can singlehandedly eat an entire frozen pizza. Especially if it's stuffed crust.
• I'm a klutz, a TOTAL klutz. I broke my foot in high school by tripping over the other one.
  
• I also have a penchant for embarrassing situations. Like yesterday when I went to put my pants on for my date and realized I had a HUGE tear down the butt of them and on the bottom of the butt under the pocket...AND I'D JUST WORN THEM THE DAY BEFORE with underwear that was a little scandalous. Oops. Hahahaha.
  
• I notice these things (and others) about myself and appreciate them.
  

Honestly, I think that would be rad. I am such a dweeb, and I LOVE it.

I am a
PRIORITY
not a
CONVENIENCE.

please figure that out.

She likes to leave you hanging on her word...

Date & Time: one fifty four ay ehm....and ten fifty six ay em....
Soundage: Devil Wears Prada
Action: Idaho Falls
Reaction: Diet Coke, Bird Earrings and Nail Polish
Dear Brett,
It's funny to me to try describe this...this feeling inside me. This asdkljasdkljasd inside me. I feel like I need to learn a whole new vocabulary...a more eloquent or articulate way of communicating...because the words I know (though many) are just not adequate enough. As I sit here thinking about how to tell you about how I feel for you John Mayer comes on the radio urging "Say what you need to say." I sit here and stare at these words of Emerson, wondering if in all his audacity and his eloquence--his articulation if he ever had to tell someone how deeply he cared about them and how he then did it. I'm no Emerson (surely) but nevertheless I care. Deeply. Simply. And I need to tell you.

This is the counsel I received last night from Elder Ballard (via the Ensign):

"Fear can make us run away from things—things like setting and achieving goals, developing relationships, or becoming the people we know we should become. Sometimes fear can even paralyze us to the point that we don’t even try."

...now if that isn't intervention...I don't know what is.
And it became even more evident this afternoon. Open up the Book of Mormon, flip around a few pages, read this in the margin: "Answers to prayer--> must act." Okay. I think I'm starting to get the point.

And I hate midterms. It'd be nice if they'd be over. Dumb Salt Lake Class. But my time on the way to Salt Lake--great distraction.

And my dad lectured me today (via email) for things that he thought I did that he either a) didn't understand, or b) didn't have the whole story or right details on. It made me kinda upset. I didn't deserve it, nor was it really merited. That sucks.

We made some plans, had some crazy dreams...

Date & Time: way past my bedtime
Soundage: our song--taylor swift
Action: crush crush crush
Reaction: sitting in bed thinking a lot...

17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days. 17 days.
Til Rascal Flatts.

When it rains it pours...
It seems lately as if I've become some sort of magnet. I'm not sure just how much I truly enjoy it. I'm sure that someone will tell me not to complain about it, but...well, it's just strange. Especially considering some of the sources. I just don't quite get it. This is not some horrible self deprecating rant...this is a genuine confusion about a large majority of why they've suddenly decided to become "interested." Some don't surprise me, some have caught me off guard and some (one) needs to get on their A Game.

It's funny, I was talking to Melissa tonight about the boy I am most intent on in my life (sigh) and she chuckled and said it seemed as if we were just meant to be (and that she thinks about us all the time. hahaha. that made me laugh.). This is not the first time I've heard this (the former--not her confession). Now I'm not saying that just because someone has made that observation means that it is definite and that it's in the bag. But I do feel like I agree a tad. Something is just different about this one. We click better. And I have the biggest fear of losing him...more than usual. And it hurts...like physically. Sister Trotter asked me what I liked about him and I really started to think about it. Well, he's cute (obviously--and important quality), he's nice, he's got a strong testimony, he's charitable, he's so stinkin cute with kids, he loves his family so much, when he asks me about things he really listens and follows up about them later, he likes my input on things, he says he likes having me around, he takes care of me, he looks out for me and seems to want the best for me, I feel like I can tell him anything and I have no problem talking to him for hours on end, I like the way he looks at me, he treats me like I'm worth something, I'm a lot happier when I'm around him...there's just something different about this one. And I want it to work out so bad...I'd give just about anything. Goodness gracious I'm a sap.

And I still need an internship. I wish my life would figure itself out...without my effort.

Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live

Date & Time: 102.
Soundage: so close--jon mclaughlin
Action: midterms
Reaction: powerpoints and microsoft notes.

Dear Lehi Boy,
You're nuts. You don't want to marry me. Well, maybe you do. But that's beside the point. You need to make more of an effort if you're really serious about this. I'm sick of words. Really sick of words. With Eliza Doolittle I cry out: "Words, Words, Words/ I'm so sick of words/ I get words all day through/ First from him now from you/ Is that all you blighters can do?"

Dear Condo boy,
I really like you. And I hope you like me.
And I wish you didn't think I was asleep.

Dear Newbie,
Hahahaha. You are so not really into me but it's funny to see that you think you are. You are such a flirt and I think you think I'm all about this. That's funny.

Dear Future Mr. Lindsi Nielsen,
Get on the ball and come find my wonderful, gorgeous, amazing roommate. She needs you to show up soon and she totally deserves you and she is completely great and you're going to be one lucky man. I'm thinking her way to you. =]

Dear Pants,
Hahaha. You made me laugh super duper hard. Oh man. You're hott but you need to be replaced. And bad. And soon.

Dear Lyndsi Shae,
I care about you a lot. I am glad we are (kindergarten) friends.

Dear School,
You suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. The end. Please be nice to me.

Dear Rascal Flatts,
24 days. yessssss.

Dear Lindsi,
You Vitamin Water taunting whore. Haha. That's it. I'm going to pummel you in your sleep. And then drink the rest. And make her modest. Unlike her hussy owner. You heard me.

Dear BYU Parking,
I like you today. The end. Thanks for being nice.

Dear Daddy,
You are missed more than you know.

Dear Miki,
I heard your voicemail today and almost cried.

Dear Brothers,
Booyah.

Dear Mommy,
I miss you. Lots. I just saw you but I miss you still.

You always said destiny would blow me away...

DATE AND TIME: 11:50...i'm still so tired...
SOUNDAGE: how i go--yellowcard (and natalie maines)
ACTION: the last of finals...
REACTION: headphones and paper writing.

2 DAYS. oh my crap.

two days from now i will be on a plane going home. finally. i seriously believe i've never needed to go home as much as i do right now.

oh man, though, it's been a great 24 hours....an excerpt from my Dear Life:

Dear best friend,
Thank you for being so forgiving of my mouth. Thanks for laughing with, at and about me. Thanks for listening to me vent and rant and just overall freak-out. Thanks for listening to me over analyze or under estimate everything. Thanks for finally giving me the clarity I need. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for watching out for me and taking care of me. hanks for the music. Thanks for the confidence in me. hanks for telling me that next year I'll be intimidating...and believing it will be true. Thanks for holding me. Thanks for constantly teaching me exactly what I need to learn. Thanks for shaking up my life and helping me to realize things about the world and myself. Thanks for being you. I love you. (and, fyi, you can say i love you back and i won't freak out...promise.) Oh, and let's go to Hawaii. Seriously.

Oh and thanks for calling me all the time...it's going to be a long fun break. Haha.

Dear Drive from the airport,
I might be in love with you. It makes me think of the Dr Cox quote from Scrubs: "...This moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments..." You helped reinstate normalcy, clarity and peace. You helped to reestablish a bond that needed some mending. You helped us both to realize how lost we both are in life...and why that might make us need each other more. I love you. Gosh. And hello, you solidified the bond of Something Corporate--and that, my friend, is a lasting bond.

Dear Sister Goff,
Thanks for having enough faith in my abilities to hire me. I'm terribly excited. It's gonna be good. I promise. I just...7 am? Dang. That's gonna be dedication. But this Exec Producer will be there. Promise.

Dear toe-head,
Lyndsi Shae will make fun of me for saying this but let's just fall in love. Okay? Sound good? I had so much fun the other night...it was just what I needed. And what I want to need more of. Oh and by the way....Happy Hanukkah.

Dear Stubborn as Heck,

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick/ and think of you.
I gotta say what's on my mind./ Something about us, doesn't seem right... these days./ Life keeps getting in the way.
How am I supposed to tell you how I feel/ I need oxygen.
Oh baby, I would be your lady/ I am going crazy for you.
***
Blank stares at blank pages/ No easy way to say this/ You mean well but you make this hard on me.
Oh baby if I was your lady/ I would make you happy.
Made room for me/ It's too soon to see/ If I'm happy in your hands.
And your slow shaking finger tips/ show that your scared like me so:
Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in/ because its cold outside/ share with me the secrets that you kept in/ because its cold inside.
***
Just wait around and see/ maybe I am much more you never know what lies ahead/ I promise I can be anyone I can be anything.
/The kind of flawless I wish I could be.
/I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need
***
It's so hard to say,/ but I gotta do what's best for me.
/I'm unusually hard to hold on to
/You'll be okay...
I've got to move on, and be who I am./ I just don't belong here,/ I hope you understand.
We might find a place in this world someday,/ but at least for now,/
I won't write you a love song/Cause you ask for it/ Cause you need one/you see.
***

You are one very difficult girl, Siovhan Lorelle. And you did it all to yourself this time.